As we journey through life, we often transition from being cared for by our parents to becoming their caregivers as they age. This role reversal can be both rewarding and challenging, but with patience, love, and understanding, we can provide our ageing parents with the support they need to thrive in their later years.
As Richard Gere said ‘Growing old is a privilege’ and of course, he is absolutely right - but unfortunately, it does come with some downsides. That once super active confident independent person now has to ask for help whether it’s opening a jar of honey, clipping their toenails, or tending the garden, which they once found so easy to manage.
My recent conversation with Clare Jefferies, owner of multiple Home Instead residences, really resonated with me and so many of my friends, stuck in the sandwich generation with adult kids and ‘carenting’ for our elderly parents.
The most pertinent piece of advice that hit home is to plan ahead. Take your time researching and don't leave it until there was no other solution because unfortunately, that is when often the wrong choice is made.
The internet is awash with websites offering up advice and communities with images of beautiful grounds and smiling faces! But in reality, what is it they offer, and will it be suitable for your loved ones?
Firstly, it is imperative to understand the level of care each option provides and the terminology can often be very confusing. In a nutshell, independent living communities focus mainly on serving the social needs of residents, as most are able to live independently without much support whilst assisted living communities support those who need assistance with activities of daily living but still allow residents to live as independently as possible.
TOP TIPS AND ISSUES TO CONSIDER:
It may seem obvious but include your parent in the discussion and do not treat them like a child. Family members often get together and decide what they think is best but in fact, it’s best for them, not the parent.
In many cases an elderly parent, not surprisingly, is adamant they will not move out of their home. This is when it can be better for an outsider and/or professional to be involved as they can test the water and assess the situation.
Sit down with family and list the pros and cons. Care homes are expensive, there’s no getting around this but that’s because they are ‘care’ homes and have the staff and facilities to do so. However, not all care homes are equal! How will the care home be financed? This often can cause rifts in families, so be considerate of your parent’s needs and thoughts. Do not argue in front of them – imagine how they will feel
Be realistic. Sometimes one sibling believes the parent can manage, this is often the case if they don’t see them on a regular basis. You need to communicate and be on the same page. It can be very easy for resentment and guilt to build between family members.
Do your research. It’s all very well that the home is set in acres of beautiful grounds but where are the local shops to walk to? Is it near a train or bus station? How long is the journey for family members and friends to visit? Try not to choose one in a different area away from where your parent’s lived. Friends will find it extremely hard to visit.
Visit the home more than once - this is why it is crucial to plan ahead. On the initial visit, the staff can be wonderful - pop back for an unannounced visit so that you see the true colours of the staff and venue. What are the other residents like?
Finally - don’t forget the emotional, physical and mental strain this has on YOU. Allow yourself to take a break sometimes and make sure you get support.
You can listen to my full conversation with Clare Jefferies by clicking here - or on any podcast platform or smart speaker. Always free to listen or download. The Citizens Advice Bureau and Age UK are wonderful resources for help on this topic.
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