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Click here to list to Empty Nest - Before They Go and After They Leave Dr Dominique Thompson on our episode

Get back in the photos - be visible in midlife again! I’ve hated seeing photos of me for as long as I can remember.  I’ve been ridiculously over critical of myself and finding a photo that I would be willing to frame could be as rare as hen’s teeth!  But becoming a podcast host forced me to do more on social media and, at some point, I decided to stop giving myself a hard time and to change my attitude. For years I would make sure I was at the back of a group picture, try not to stand next to someone really slim - or, even better, offer to take the photo myself!  Menopausal weight gain didn’t help my confidence either. I was still stuck in the Kodak generation of 24 exposures per film roll, nervous chatter about ‘how I hate having my picture taken’, inevitably resulting in odd faces, open mouths and terrible angles - all self-inflicted!  Well those days are well over and millennials have mastered the art of the selfie.  We have plenty of opportunities to take a shot that compliments us. And it’s not vanity by the way… it’s memories. It finally occurred to me that, in years to come, I would really regret not being in those albums and part of those milestone moments with kids, grandkids, at weddings, graduations and reunions. Far too often mums are the ones behind the camera.  Don’t forget your family want to see YOU in the picture too! So check out this Midlife Minute with excellent advice from Eddie Judd on taking a flattering selfie.  Slap on a smile, find some decent lighting and look forward to many hours in your future enjoying the nostalgia with your family. Here’s a few hints that may help. Many (many!) years ago I worked for the Walt Disney Co. on the opening of Disneyland Paris.  One thing that stuck with me from those times in PR was the ‘Disney smile’ - a natural smile was encouraged… one row of teeth - not two (too much of a grin). Lighting is your friend - but not harsh overhead lights - window light or outdoors is the best. Find the most flattering angle for your face.  Practice in the bathroom mirror! Anthea Turner shared with me that you need to look slightly left or right and gently tilt your chin so that your jawbone is exposed.  Taking a photo straight on can lose that definition of chin into neck.  Definitely not a look to go for. When taking a selfie hold the camera slightly above your eye level - if you take it from bottom up you can start counting those extra chins that probably don’t exist in another angle! Check background for clutter (or embarrassing items!) Use portrait mode - it’s really flattering Try to avoid using filters but experiment with exposure and brightness. If you’re the face of your business or brand, consider some professional shots.  It can make a huge difference in the way your potential customer perceives you. A little bit of lippy goes a long way Use the rule of thirds: Position yourself off-center in the frame for a more visually interesting photo. Keep it steady: Hold your phone or camera steady to avoid blurry photos. Consider a tripod. Use a self-timer if you need to get a bunch of shots of yourself from further away. A genuine smile and a relaxed attitude can make your selfie more engaging and attractive.  Even that dumb fake laugh can make a huge difference and look natural in the photo. Remember, taking a great selfie is all about feeling confident and enjoying the process. Recruit a teenager to help you.  They are absolute experts.  Experiment with different techniques and have fun! If you are interested in getting professional branding shots done by Eddie Judd, you can contact her at https://eddiejuddphotography.shootproof.com

This is the transcript from my conversation with The Divorce Coach, Sara Davison. I felt her advice was so valuable I wanted to share it here. With 'silver divorce' rates rising, there may be a time you or a friend might need signposting. Please recommend this episode with Sara or read it here, share it and use the resources listed at the bottom. If you find it helpful please review on any podcast platform as it will help others find it too. Michelle: So, Sara, I'm so excited to actually have you in the studio. I mean, normally that's Liz's seat and it's been cold for a while now. So it's really nice to have somebody in my little studio shed. my God, I love it here. It's so pretty. It's just absolutely beautiful. So I'm very excited to be here with you today. Fabulous. Thank you. Right. Well, you know why I've invited you here today. It's really to talk about...divorce in midlife. So when our kids leave the nest and we hit menopause and we're in midlife it's a bit of a perfect storm isn't it and we may look at our husbands and think 'ow, he's really boring’! Or we may look at him and think, I really don't like the way he treats me. This is not right. Or we might think, what on earth have we got in common? So I personally wouldn't have a clue what to do if my husband, please don't do this James, if my husband came home one day and said, you know what, this isn't working out. I want a divorce. Sorry, what do I do? What are the first things I need to consider? Sara: Well, you know, it's a really common worry for a lot of people. I think, you know, you're spot on there. A lot of people do worry about it because there isn't, well, there hasn't been much information about what do you do. And it is one of the most traumatic life experiences we go through. Like, it's just a fact. It is actually the second most traumatic experience we go through after death of a loved one. And that empty nester situation you talk about when the kids leave is a very common time for couples to sort of stare across the breakfast table at each other and sort of think, okay, well now we're not talking about the kids and you're not rushing off to take them to school and I'm not rushing off to take them to a sports club. What are we talking about? Do I want to be doing this going forward? Michelle: And you've potentially got decades to go, haven't you? It's not like the old days when... you know, we kind of died around the age of 75, we're all living longer. So we might be with, you know, Joe Bloggs until we're 95. Sara: Exactly, exactly. So it is a big shift. And I think that is why that bracket, that age group does see an increase in divorce, because it is a vulnerable time for a relationship, because the whole setup of how it works has changed. And that's not to say it always happens, but there is obviously that vulnerability there. So yes, what do you do? Well, first of all, I think don't panic. It happens. And there are now lots of different things you can do to support yourself and also to figure out a way forward. So first of all, I would reach out to friends and family who can look after you and create that breakup support team, having a group of people around you that can hold you up, who genuinely care about you, who will be there during this really challenging emotional roller coaster for you will actually be essential. So picking those people carefully though is really important. Michelle: Well supposing they're really disappointed that you're getting divorced. Supposing, you know, your own mother loves their son -in -law and is really gutted that this marriage is going to be breaking up and your kids are picking one side or the other and that might not be a fair pick. It might not be justifiable. You might be seen as the bad guy. Sara: Yeah, absolutely. A lot of times...you don't want to necessarily tell your kids everything that's happened or maybe if someone's had an affair because it's a difficult line, isn't it? It's an adult relationship depending on the age of your children. If they've left home, then obviously they're adults. But I think a lot of times people don't want to bring their kids in. But then the downside of that is them not realizing that actually one or other has had an affair or something has happened, which maybe does in some people's eyes make them the bad person. But then again, there's lots of reasons why relationships break down. And quite often an affair is the end of many years of bad communication or no communication or resentments just stacking up over time. So quite often also our family are just as angry with that person as we are and that can also fuel that fire. So we've got to be careful that we're not spending time around people that are actually making it a little bit worse rather than better. That's true, it's like taking to the cleaners, you know, all that sort of toxicity, which is not good for anybody, is it? You know. Ultimately, you do want to move on with your lives in an amicable fashion if that's possible. If not just for yourselves, but for your children. Yeah, and I think that's key. You've got to put the kids first where you can, obviously put them first so that you manage how they are dealing with it. Because even as an adult child, the impact of a divorce, your parents divorcing can be pretty harsh. People talk about younger kids and how that can impact them. And again, divorce, there's two ways of looking at it. And I'm quite vocal that divorce doesn't have to damage children. I don't believe that's a set thing. I think actually it very much depends on the parents and how you help that child process that information. Because in some ways it can be a very valuable life lesson that actually we don't always get that fairy tale ending. And that sometimes when we don't, it's okay to be upset and to go through those negative emotions. That's part of life. Life always throws us those curve balls or challenges. But it's then giving them the tools to pick themselves back up. And as a parent, you can be the role model, we will be, like it or not. How you react to those difficult situations in life will be what your kid learns as coping mechanisms. So if you can use this as a chance to stay strong for your kids, which often as parents, we'll do more for them than we will for ourselves. You know, without the kids, maybe we'd stay in bed and cry and eat crisps. Maybe that's just me. But, you know, with kids there, and my son was one when my husband left me. So, you know, I had to get up, otherwise he couldn't move. He couldn't eat. You know, I had to change him. So there were all those things. So again, quite often, if we've got the mission that actually we're going to turn this into a positive lesson for our kids to say, look, sometimes things don't work out. Yes, it's tough. And we're not going to hide that because stuffing down negative emotions again, teaches them not to talk about things or to deny those emotions, which again can be damaging and lead to consequences later on in life. So we process those emotions and give them some healthy coping mechanisms like, you know, five star jumps or exercise or talking about things or creating a plan to move them forwards and learning that they can control how they feel. A lot of people don't know that, that they can choose how they react. And yes, something bad may have happened and yes, it's normal to feel sad or devastated or angry, but we can dial down all those negative emotions ourselves. So giving them those toolkits to be able to change how they feel, take their power back, be in control. Imagine learning that as a kid or even a young adult. That's life -changing. In all kinds of situations. Michelle: Yeah. And of course, you know, kids get older and graduate, get married, have children and chances are that ex -partner is still going to be around at those milestone moments. So again, for the sake of all the family and the future family, somehow you've got to rise above it and handle it with some sort of dignity. Sara: Absolutely, absolutely. And I think it's very difficult to be around someone that has hurt you, let you down, betrayed you. Even if it's amicable, there can be resentments that maybe you didn't get that sort of fairy tale ending that you'd planned together. And I think, you know, the later on in life you are, you know, it can be more challenging to sort of change direction or to reinvent yourself, but it's definitely possible. Like you said, you know, people are, you know, living longer, we've got more energy and like, you know, fifties, you know, it's not old anymore, sixties not old anymore. So again, there's so many chances to actually the marriage rate for the, what we call silver splitters, which is the over fifties, that bracket, the marriage rate is actually going up for second marriage, second or third marriages. Yes, which is interesting because, you know, the younger generations are not looking to marriage anymore. There's a lot more options like polyamory and all these other things which probably weren't there so blatantly when we were younger. Michelle: But now the marriage rate, people are not giving up. They're not going blue rinse and slippers like they did maybe back in my grandparents age. We know there's that community in the middle of Florida where they've got the highest rate of STDs and it's a retirement village. I know that some pharmacy companies are actually testing out their STD drugs there because they've got such a big demographic to try it out on. So yeah, life is not over by any stretch of the imagination. You will get through it. But in those first, if we can bring it back to like, what do we do? So. I literally, I wouldn't know how to choose a divorce lawyer. I wouldn't know how much it cost. I wouldn't know how to find the money because I know I'm just basically, as I was telling you earlier, I'm kind of lazy. But I'm also disinterested and I'm lucky I completely, don't we all trust until we don't trust? Who helps you with that? Who holds your hand and tells you what to do to get it right? Sara: So there's lots of different ways to get divorced and it really very much depends on what kind of divorce you're having. So a lot of people say, well, do I need a lawyer? No, you don't actually need a lawyer to get divorced. No, there's so many ways of doing it now. You can do it online even. There's ways where you can go to people who aren't actually lawyers, but they can help you navigate the paperwork you need to do. We've now got no fault divorce, which is brilliant because now we don't have to allocate blame to the other side before, even if it was amicable. Did you know we had to actually write a list of things that we didn't like about the partner? Michelle: Which really helps the outcome, doesn't it? It doesn't help anything. He snores, he's a pig, he doesn't pick up. Sara: Yeah, exactly. It's crazy. So that was never a good start. So now we don't have that anymore. So it's a lot more straightforward to get divorced. So you don't need to, but that doesn't mean to say that getting legal advice isn't a good idea at the get -go, especially if you don't know much about the process of getting divorced - having at least one session with somebody to actually explain what the process looks like from the legal perspective, like what hoops you need to go through, what paperwork you need to do. That can also be a good way of doing it, but it's very, very expensive to go with lawyers and you don't necessarily need to do that. So there are other companies like Amicable who you can do it online and you can reach out. So there's a lot of resources now that never existed before. And the difference is, you know, someone like Amicable would be a couple of thousand pounds to get divorced. If you get into a difficult divorce where you're not agreeing, you won't be able to go through those amicable ways. So if there's a lot of conflict, if there's toxic relationship, then lawyers probably will be the way you need to go. It may be possible to use mediation, which means that you sort of work out around a table. Again, it doesn't work particularly well for abusive relationships, but then neither does the court system always. Right, you should get onto that as well. Yeah, toxic relationships, my specialist area. Goodie. Goodie. Lucky me. Yes, but I definitely think getting some legal advice up front is usually a good idea just to understand where you're going. Now you asked a really good question about how do I choose a lawyer? This is really important and much more important than most people think because the lawyer you choose will set the tone for your divorce. So there are lawyers out there that have reputations that will be the pit bull in the ring. And if your partner, your ex finds out that you've instructed a pit bull lawyer, then you're in for a hell of a ride. Cause they will go for somebody - And it's gonna be conflict from the get go. Yeah. And what does conflict mean in a divorce? Conflict means emotional stress and turmoil and potentially trauma and high expenses, like financially very, very expensive. Yeah. I, I, my personal divorce, I know many, many clients I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of thousands to get divorced. We don't need to be doing that when you've got other ways that can be 1500 quid to 3000, you know, so there are ways. So think about it carefully. You may be very angry, very hurt, but that doesn't, you know, you're not going to necessarily get justice through the system. They don't care if your partner had an affair, by the way, that's irrelevant. They will just look at the finances and work out what the legal, what you're legally entitled to. So understanding what you're legally entitled to is where that legal advice comes in very handy as well. So not only do you know the process and what sort of boxes you need to tick, but also what you're legally entitled to is also a good way. So if you can have one or two sessions with a lawyer, I would find somebody that suits the style that you are comfortable with. Do not go for the person your best friend got divorced with because she got on well with her. Right, okay. That's not necessary. Sometimes that might be a good fit for you. But for example, if they had a very amicable divorce and say it was just the average sort of salary base and there weren't many assets and that worked for her, great. If you're the same as that, then there's a likelihood that will work for you. But if you have huge amounts of assets and very high conflict, I would pretty much say that there are better suited lawyers who specialise in that area. So there's lawyers that specialise in children or finance or international issues. So if you have properties over the world, certain lawyers will have specialist areas in that. So again, look for the lawyer that suits what you need because once you've instructed someone, not necessarily for the first one or two sort of initial advice sessions, but once you instruct someone and they're your lawyer for the whole process, you're kind of stuck with them in the fact that if you've got somebody else to start, if you weren't happy and you swapped, that lawyer would charge - catch up, yeah, more money, more money. Michelle: Yeah, huge. But I mean, is it like a directory? I would - If I choose people I often go by their face. I'm not gonna lie, I do. Kind face, you know, nice surgeon, looks like they'd be fun to be around, I'd probably go for them. How do I like go through a directory and choose a lawyer? I mean I suppose you could have a preference for going for a female or a male, that's kind of easy. Location, tick box, and maybe subject area, but it's gonna be quite the relationship, isn't it? You want to really, really trust and know that they're the right person for you and you don't want to do that several times over and rack up the cost. Sara: Yeah, I mean, that's where getting advice from somebody that knows the selection and has already got a network will really save you time and money. I mean, obviously, if you go to a breakup or divorce coach who works in that field, they're going to have ideas of what will help you. For me, when I refer clients, I always refer to or through three different lawyers, because again, it's very much down to personality. I never recommend anyone because again, it's...you never know how that case is going to go. But we can suggest people that we know work and specialise in certain fields. So it might be that there's two or three different people you can have that initial phone call with. And a lot of lawyers will do that initial chat for free. Those that don't, I'll be a little bit careful of. It might just be because they're really good and busy, but sometimes, you know, you just need to be careful because you can find lawyers who will chat to you for half an hour just to get that fee. So if you're a good fit, I'd recommend doing that. And then when you found that person that you know has the ability to do the kind of cases that yours will be, then again if it's a good fit with you and you like them then that's another good case. Michelle: So someone like you, a divorce coach who I'd never come across until we connected through social media and you came to the International Women's event and so on we got chatting more, I'd never really heard of a divorce coach but that is probably money worth spending to be directed into the right way and to at least find your way initially. Sara: Yeah, I mean, a lot of people don't realise the emotional impact of a divorce and they will go straight for a lawyer, straight for a financial advisor. I'm not, you know, those two are good additions to have on your support team, as well as family and friends, as well as a coach. But yes, a coach can save you a lot of money because the other thing with lawyers is they will take your phone calls between nine and five usually about what the latest thing your ex has done to upset you. So you can be crying on the phone. You can be upset. And they will be there because they're, you know, a lot of them are really nice people and they'll be there to reassure, but that's not actually empowering you with any tools to deal with those emotions. And what it is doing is it's ticking up their annual, their hourly rate as you go. So it's a very expensive way to get emotional support. Michelle: Yeah. They're not therapists, are they? Sara: Well, that's the bottom line. They are lawyers, not therapists. So if you want to be guided through the emotional journey, that's more of a coach. It definitely is a coach. And... and a specialist coach in this field as well. Generic coaching, you know, as breakup and divorce coaches, and I have a training school, we're trained over, gosh, I think 600 coaches now in 27 different countries. So. Michelle: It’s incredible what you've done, it really is. Sara; thank you. I mean, it came from, this is everything I wish I'd had when I was going through my divorce, because I was that person you described. My husband's cheated on me. I didn't see it coming. I kind of left a lot of the personal finance to him because we had a global business together at the time. So I was busy running that. My son was only one. So I was pretty much a full -time mum and a full -time, you know, career running a company as well. So it's combining everything and it hit me like a freight train. I didn't see it coming. I didn't expect it. Saying that though, there's definitely warning signs that I totally ignored. Yeah. But, but you know, having been through that, I thought, right, well, there must be someone to talk to. So where do I go? And just like you asked me, Michelle, there was nothing apart from therapy and counseling, which, I'd already been coaching for about 15 years anyway so I just thought well I tried it didn't really help me I needed something a lot more specific so yeah that's where we come in. Michelle: Honestly all these things cost money don't they? I think a lot of couples especially during this cost of living crisis are just staying together because they can't afford it. I mean now I did not realise that divorce could be done online or through it was amicable. I didn't realise it could be done cheaper. But even so, £2 ,000 right now when fuel is high and everything is costing such a lot, people probably staying in pretty nasty toxic relationships and maybe living in two separate bedrooms in the house because splitting that house, splitting all the proceeds is going to be far too expensive to go and then get two separate places to live. And talking of which, does your partner have to be honest about all the finance. It must be really easy to hide money. Who finds out, who's the forensic person who goes in there and like, I don't think you're, I think you're telling ‘porkies’ here. I think there's more than one bank account and there's probably more money in shares and things like that that you don't know about. How do you find it? Sara: It’s very, very difficult, which is why...before, if it's you deciding to leave or you're being suspicious that your partner might be about to leave you, there is some groundwork to do getting your ducks in a row because there's certain things that you would, I would suggest as a coach that maybe your lawyer wouldn't be able to suggest that you would be doing to get as much information about your financial situation before you say, you're having an affair, I'm going, or you need to get out because that's when it's too late. You know, be smart. Be very smart. So read the clues and be a detective. in your own relationship, not just about is he, you know, seeing Mildred from the office or whoever it is, but you've got to start, do you want me to pay that bill or, you know, or just looking at what's coming through, you know, what's coming, what statements, you know, in the wallet, are there lots of different cards or just one card, you know, those sorts of things, just getting an idea because. Even if you say, well, I thought we had an NattWest account or I'm sure we had a Barclayy card or American Express. If those aren't showing up on the disclosure, then of course you can go back and say, your client knows that you have this. And if you've got the number of the cards that you might just have had, then again, you can say, well, we've got this card with this number, can you tell us about this account? So again, you can do that. But if it's already happened, there are people that have that forensic accountant title that can dive in and pull the threads because they will have to share bank statements. The challenge is that quite often money's moved so fast and the cost of a forensic accountant is staggering. I mean, it's not cheap. So again, to have somebody going through everything, looking at everything by which time if they're clever, then they can, and if it's intentional, they're doing it, it's quite easy to bounce it offshore and move it a few times. And then it's very hard to find anyway. So again, there are people that will do that. Your law firm will be able to recommend, you know, those people are out there as well as coaches. I'm connected with lots and so are all my coaches, but it's something that is a very expensive thing to do. So I would always say, keep your eyes open if you're, and it's always, you know, even if you're happily married, it's good to have an idea of, well, you know, these are all the bank accounts that I know of because then if they disclose those, there'll be threads if there's transfers into other accounts. So that's where the forensic accountant can really dive in. Michelle: I talked about this with Alice Beer actually quite a few months ago about, and this was more to do with supposing you're, you found yourself suddenly single or divorced or bereaved. Yeah. Do you know where stuff is? So actually doing an audit trail and sitting down with your partner and say, you know what, I'm probably not pulling my weight here and if anything happened to you I wouldn't know where the passwords are, I wouldn't know where the accounts are, can we make an appointment together, can we schedule a meeting where we just do this and we make sure the kids are all occupied and we sit down, I just want to make sure that I can help you and that the kids are secure, I'm secure if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow or you might want to know about my accounts, you know all the stuff I've been squirreling away on the side. Sara: So that's not a bad idea to do that prep and even more so if you suspect that there's disinterest or bad behavior or a potentially looming separation and then divorce. I would say yes in most cases but definitely not if it's a toxic relationship. So if your partner is abusive in any way then disclosing your plans, you're showing your cards so you're basically saying I want to know what you're doing. And for them, they will take that and use that information against you. So they'll probably start closing things down or moving things faster. So remember that they need to be in control at all times. So yes, in a healthy relationship, you can sit down and have that appointment and have that conversation. Absolutely. That would be the best way to go. But if you think your partner that might trigger anger, or they might get very judgmental of you, or they might get cross or that it might be a negative reaction, then this is something that I would take upon yourself. Michelle: That is such a good point, Sara. I didn't even think about that, but I mean, I know that you have had more experience in sort of being with narcissistic... I can never say it, you say it for me. Narcissistic. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Being with that partner or in the domestic sort of abuse, coercion, control sort of arena. And what do people do? Like, God, I feel for you. I feel for women who are stuck in a relationship that they have no idea how to get out of, or they don't realise it's as toxic, that's what they're used to, it's the way they've always been talked to and controlled and pushed around. You have a lot of experience in coaching women. What can you sort of tell us about that? Sara: Well, it's very normal to minimalise, as you say, and normalise bad behaviour because if we didn't, we'd probably have to face some pretty hard truths. And I know that in my, I've had several toxic relationships, but there were always red flags. There were always warning signs. Difficult people, let's call them that because the N word, the narcissistic word is, well, one difficult to pronounce, but two, I think, you know, there's too much focus on labelling them and where the focus needs to be to move through these is on ourselves to move ourselves through. So, you know, it's a difficult one to do, but I suggest definitely taking your power back is the first step. But yeah, there are always red flags. Michelle: Taking your power back, what do you mean by that though? Sara: Well, when you're in a relationship that is highly controlling, you feel like you have no power. And one of the, well, lots of tactics will be to reduce your confidence, reduce the fact, they'll say you'll never survive on your own. No one would ever love you the way I love you. Yeah, you've got no value, you don't bring anything. You live on the streets, you'd lose contact with the kids. That you'd have all those fears, which makes it very difficult to leave. So it's not a case of they're treating me badly, I must leave. There's...You know, very often you're isolated and you're financially dependent on them and you won't know where everything is. They will have all the control over the money in most cases. So again, trying to build up your own supply of money so that if you did leave suddenly and they did cut off all bank accounts, then you would still have access to something to survive at least and maybe pay a legal bill. That would be essential, I would say for sure. Michelle: Are there like support services that you could reach out to and just say, this is it, this is the situation I find myself in. I would like to open a bank account but I don't have much sort of ID and thing. Is there like, well I suppose there'd be domestic abuse charities and things that you might be able to approach and say please help me. Sara: Yeah, so first point of call if you think you're in danger or you're worried that you may be in a toxic relationship, I would call your local domestic abuse charity. There are lots of very, very good charities in this country in the UK. We are ahead of the curve on domestic abuse support with charities. And I'm lucky enough to be the patron of the Dash Charity, which covers the Maidenhead Slam Windsor area. But there's Women's Aid, actually my charity falls underneath that banner as well. But there's lots and lots of different support. So reach out to them. The great thing about domestic abuse charities is they will believe you. They will believe you. You don't have to prove it. They will listen. They will also do a risk assessment. And then they're also very well connected with your local area with that police. They could put you on the alert list, social services, housing, if you need to leave. The DASH charity have refuge. A lot of charities will have refuges where you can flee to if you needed to. But even if you just wanted to get that advice of, is this a toxic relationship? They can help you with that as kind of specialist coach as well. I mean, that's what we do because it's what I wish I'd had when I was going through mine. So that's when I studied it and I worked at my own plan or how to cope with these people because post separation abuse is often a lot worse than when you're with them. And a lot of people say, and in fact, my lawyer said to me, well, now you're not living with them anymore. You'll be fine. And I, you know, it'll get better. It doesn't. And think about it this way. As you pull away from them, they want more control. But because you're not gonna ramp it up. Yeah, and because you're not physically with them all the different ways they used to control you that they're much more limited. The only way they can control you through that divorce process with the children and the finances. So that means that process all the gaslighting all the lying all the confusing behaviour, all the manipulation will be focused very much on those things and your children are a big pain point and they'll know that. And so that's one of the big issues they'll go for that we see. and also finances, they'll go for that too. So cutting off money, making you worry about money, hiding money, all those things are very common tactics, which is why divorcing a toxic ex is so much harder. There's no fair compromise. You're not looking, yeah, you might have some conflict over who gets the piano and how often you see the cat, but actually with an abuser, there's no compromise. It's all about causing as much suffering as possible and ultimately total annihilation is their agenda. Michelle: Evil, evil. How do you spot a non? Here we go. I'm gonna give it one more go. How do you spot a narcissist? Sara; Well, there's lots of telltale signs, but to be able to spot them, you have to take off the rose tinted glasses because it's very clever. It's hard when you're in love. Well, that's the thing. Love bombing feels so good, Michelle. It feels amazing. You feel like you're the most incredible person. Love bombing. Yeah. like showering you with gifts or even just compliments, grandiose declarations that you'll never be lonely again and they'll always look after you. So they make you feel safe. They put you on a pedestal. They treat you in an incredible way. And you think, gosh, this is too good to be true. And it is. Yes, and it is. But in that moment, you don't want it to end and you're really not going to listen. Who would? Who would? Like everybody wants to be treated like a princess and put on a pedestal. Yeah. And this is what you've been waiting for, right? You've been waiting for that and then it happens. And then you're like, I finally found the one. This is what love is. And so you fall in love with the person, which is the perception that they're giving you, but the reality isn't that person. So what happens is we get hooked in this ideal person that we think exists, but the reality is they don't. And over time, as you're, they isolate you. So they may say, It won't necessarily be blatant. It might be, do we have to see your parents this weekend? Do you know, I quite fancy just spending some more time with you or do you think she's really a good friend? Because I'm not sure, I'm not sure she is. You know, so it's those other things. Not for me, but yes, I've heard these things. And it's so difficult to help people when people externally spot those signs. Michelle: We were mentioning a little earlier that there's many parents who with wisdom and being outside of that relationship can spot these narcissistic relationships, started the coercive, the control. And there's many parents who find it really, really difficult to know what to do. And I have to say, I've been one of them. And I've had thousands of miles between me and my daughter worried to death about the way that she had been, exactly what you say, taken away from her friends until she's got...really nobody to talk to, nobody who says, come on, that's not how someone should treat you or why are you in Friday, Saturday, Sunday? You know, you're young and you're 20s, why aren't you out having fun? This is ridiculous because they are so removed. And then I guess it starts that they're told, well, no one would want to be with you anyway because you're boring and you don't even fold laundry in the right way. And it just is a gradual break down and break down and break down of any kind of value that you feel about yourself. Sara: Yeah and you're so right they don't show up on day one as they are on the last day of the relationship because if they did no one would get into that relationship. No. You'd run but because it's... Michelle: And I think that's important actually, it's alright to say that it's not stupidity. No. It's these people are manipulative and very very clever even if they don't realise how clever they are but it's every kind of woman can be susceptible to this. And it doesn't matter whether you're the smartest person ever or the dumbest on the block. It's not you, it's them. They're the ones doing it. Sara: And obviously it does happen to men as well. I have clients who are male who are dealing with it, but predominantly it is a gender specific issue, right? However, I have a friend called Carla, who you may know, so I'm not gonna mention her last name, but she's brilliant. She's one of my best friends and I love her to death, but Carla could never get into a toxic relationship. The reason being that Carla will tell someone to sling their hook if she doesn't get nice dinners, treated well, so that all the, you know, that everything that she wants, she wouldn't, she would, she'd just say, no, if anyone said anything that was slightly unkind or made her feel uncomfortable, she'd be like, no, go away, I'm not interested. So you have to be a highly empathetic person to get into these relationships. We are generally people pleasers. Michelle: We like to fix things. We don't like conflict, so we'll avoid it. So we'll just allow that boundary to be removed because maybe they called us a name or talked to us in a certain way or raised their voice in a restaurant. Little things will think, well, you know what? They've had a bad day. I get it. Or their dad was on the phone earlier causing them some problems. So don't worry, I'll suck that up so they don't need to worry. But before you know it, all your boundaries are slowly being eroded and then that behaviour becomes acceptable. That's normalised, isn't it? Sara: Yeah, it's now normal and it's very hard to reverse because you've accepted it for so long. So if you don't stand on it like Carla would at the first day and say, no, you're off, then again, so again, it's a highly empathetic people, people that want to fix, so vulnerable people. People who want to fix… Michelle: So often, from what I've seen, it's the broken wing syndrome. It's like, he needs me. I'm the only one who can help him through this because he's showing his vulnerability. And all of a sudden that vulnerability becomes weaponised in a way that, well, now I can't leave him either because he needs me. Even though that's the, he'll call me rubbish and I don't add value, but on the other hand, he's, you know, poor him. Sara: But there's the cycle, which is addictive. So everything will be great. Remember they have that ability to give you the perception of being the most incredible relationship, which it will be to the outside world at all times. But behind closed doors, there'll be something that happens that triggers unacceptable behaviour. So whatever kind of abuse that could be, and there's a whole range of abuses. And then, you know, as you pull back, you say, I can't tolerate that. This is not okay with me. Then they start what's called a hoovering. Have you heard that? (No, I haven’t) So hoovering is when they sort of suck you back in with good behaviour. It could be like, you know, I'm so sorry. Or they cry or they can say, it didn't happen that way. You're confused. I didn't do that. (Michelle - Gaslighting). Yes. Yeah. So then you think, well, maybe maybe it was me then. Okay. Well, then let's get back on. And then they're being normal and they act like nothing happened. And of course, we don't want to rock the boat, do we? We want to go. Okay, we're on stable ground. And then they're amazing. You think, this is what I fell in love with. But it is walking on eggshells until the next thing happens and then you repeat. So that's the problem. You're going round and round and round in that cycle. Well, I've heard many women say, well, you know, it'd be the last straw if they hit me. Honestly, if they hit me, that would be, I'm gone. But it's way before that. And actually, a lot of coercive controllers, not as just... They don't necessarily resort to physical abuse, do they? They don't need to because they've got that earworm in your brain thinking that you're no good and nobody else would have you anyway. They don't actually need to slap you around. So you never get to that stage like, if they hit me, I'm gone, I'm out of there. Yeah. Do you know that there is a really scary statistic though here in the UK, not a lot of people know, is that 30 % of domestic homicides in the UK happen within three months of separation and over 80 % of those homicides as murders, there has never been any physical abuse before. It's coercive control. Yeah, and it stacks up because you're losing control. So that's when it can shift. So just because - As you said, it magnifies and then it wrapped, but that makes people too scared to leave. Well, you have to be very careful. And this is, and actually, yes, I'm glad this has come up because if you suddenly say, I'm leaving, you're putting yourself in a danger zone because they will want their control. That's why getting your domestic abuse charity on site, so they've done a risk assessment, they understand, they're there on hand. Also, if you can get a specialist coach other like me or a therapist, if you can find one who specialises in domestic abuse, we will help you get your ducks in a row, which is even more important. You need to make sure you've got somewhere to go. You need to know you'll be safe, the kids will be safe. You need to know that you've got some financial, sort of something to fall back on because divorcing somebody like that is not a straightforward process. It is very, very difficult. And court does not give you justice in this country. I campaign a lot of government level on this because the family court system actually re -traumatises over 82 % of domestic abuse survivors. So - Michelle: Is that because you have to justify what happened and you ought to go through it all again? And, you know, will I be believed and will he be in the court with me and see me and stare me down? Is it that - Sara: Well, I would like to say yes, that's it. But unfortunately, it's a very corrupt system and that there's a lot of misogyny. There's not enough education or understanding or willingness to be open to domestic abuse. If you say you're a victim of abuse, quite often you have to prove it, that the onus is on you. You're not innocent until proven guilty. You have to, you have to really, there's a lot of work that needs to go on. And also, Unfortunately, if you have money as a perpetrator, you can go a long way through the family courts and it doesn't always, well, very rarely ends in justice from what I've seen from clients all over the world, actually. It's not just our courts here. So there is a real issue with that. And also with court so -called experts, there's so many issues, especially if you're divorcing someone, you've got children under the age of 16. Again, do take specialist advice before you get into that because... I don't know if you've heard that there are a lot of children that are being removed from victims of abuse and handed to perpetrators. So in this country, we have a real issue and people wouldn't believe it goes on today, but it does, unfortunately. So again, getting your ducks in a row first, getting that advice and it might sound scary, but there is a really positive upside to this. You can come out and regain control in a safe way and rebuild your life and come back stronger and more confident and happier than ever. There are things you can do. And I've dedicated my life to getting those tools out to people because that's what I wish I'd had when I went through it and they work and we've shared them with now millions of people around the world. And that to me is my mission for being even here and having been dragged through that. I remember being in Sydney in Australia outside our Australian office. I just had this epiphany that I was like, you know what, just found out he'd had an affair, just found out that she was pregnant. And also Michelle, she was 12 years younger than me and stunningly beautiful. Those two things do not help either, I can tell you. You're stunningly beautiful, he's an idiot. thank you. But you could kind of look and go, yeah, it's obvious upgrade, kind of get it. But anyway, you know, and I'm confident, you know, we all have that. Michelle: Well, I mean, go back to midlife, that's exactly what happens, you know, when, you know, perhaps your libido is rather lower and a younger woman has a higher libido and perhaps she tells your bloke with thinning hair and a big paunch how gorgeous he is. Sara: Exactly, there's tactics involved for sure. But yeah, at that moment I was like, you know what, I'm not being dragged through this just to go through the paint. I need to turn this into something that helps other people. I think that's been a lot of my recovery, but being able to talk about how people can specifically recover from that and how to navigate that divorce process. Michelle; And even amicable divorces are tough because you're reinventing yourself. You've got to rediscover your own identity. I mean, be married for 30 years, you're not the same person. Dating is totally different now. It's totally different. I've heard a lot of women choose women partners. I think it's a safer bet in a lot of cases. It's not the ideal world, is it really? Well, I think that's a really positive way to end this chat. I could, and I am going to carry on chatting to you for ages after this. But I think that's, I think what I'm taking away from this is do your research, get help, get support. Find yourself a charity if you need it. Know that there is help out there and you can have a good life after divorce. And I think they need to find you, Sara. So where will listeners be able to find your website, read your book and find your podcast? Sara: thank you. So my website's saradavison.com . That's easy. Yeah. Instagram, Sara Davison Divorce Coach. And I post a lot of advice every day. There's videos and top tips and things. So again, really easy to get in touch with us in there. And we have online support groups, we have one -to -one coaching, retreats, all sorts of things. So, you know. Michelle: You did the Heartbreak Hotel, didn't you? Sara: Yeah, I did. And yeah, we train people to become coaches and that pain to power journey is so empowering for so many people as well. So lots of options and ways that you can go on and grow and be stronger. So yeah, come check us out. Michelle: Thank you. Thank you so much for being in my studio shed today. It's been really nice talking to you and honestly I've taken a lot from it and I really hope and I'm pretty sure our listeners will too. Thank you. You can find Sara's website by clicking here . https://saradavison.com There's practical help available through the Citizens Advice Bureau here You can listen to the podcast episode on divorce on any pod platform: Spotify Apple this website or just ask your smart speaker to play Two Women Chatting podcast's episode with Sara Davison

Is the vast array of CBD products now available making you delirious? Please excuse the pun, but it’s hard to walk into any ch emist these days or shop online without CBD being offered for a myriad of uses. So what exactly is it - and will it get you ‘high’ or even a criminal record? Let’s dispel some myths first before we get down to the benefits - of which there are many. CBD, short for cannabidiol, is a non-intoxicating and non-psychoactive component found in the cannabis plant (also known as hemp). Unlike THC it will NOT get you high and is not addictive. CBD is legal in the UK and CBD has been declared safe by the World Health Organisation. Other cannabinoids, including THC or CBN, are illegal. It can come in all kinds of forms from patches to gummies, pills, capsules, drinks, drops, creams, gels, bath bombs, skincare and tinctures - with some brands reporting a 500% increase since lockdown. Broad spectrum CBD oil supports your body allowing it to regulate itself and maintain a healthy balance. It helps the body effectively process stress and anxiety, in turn rebalancing hormone levels and improving sleep patterns, resulting in a calmer, more focused, productive state. It’s the choice of many A list celebrities including Kim Kardashian, and Jennifer Aniston who extoll its virtues for treating anxiety and stress whilst athletes like Freddie Flintoff and James Haskell find it great for treating sports injuries and maintaining fitness. Tom Hanks has been very vocal about using CBD for his anxiety and how it has helped him with his acting career. Tom even teamed up with Cornell University to study how CBD can help those with Type 2 Diabetes, an illness he was diagnosed with at the age of 36 Scientific studies are ongoing but research has demonstrated that CBD products can be beneficial for: Anxiety and panic attacks Depression PTSD OCD Sleep Pain and recovery Menopause symptoms Acne Eczema Inflammation Promotes cardiovascular health Anti seizure Lowers the risk of diabetes and eases symptoms Pet anxiety Reduces nausea Inhibit arthritis symptoms Protect against neurological disease Alleviate ALS symptoms Treat opiod addiction Treating epileptic seizures When used topically in skincare, CBD also has powerful benefits. Responding differently depending on your individual skin needs, CBD is an incredibly versatile ingredient. It supports healthy skin rejuvenation and sebum production, revitalising and rebalancing both oily and dry skin alike. CBD is also an antioxidant and protects skin from the damage of free radicals. Not unlike other food products such as fat, hemps negative reputation is rooted in marketing. CBD was demonised in the 1900's because farmers saw the Hemp plant, which is where CBD oil comes from, as a threat in the potential use of fibre because they wanted to grow cotton. Up until then Hemp had been used by humans to treat a vast array of ailments. With CBD in our system, the ECS can function at an optimal level helping with: Anxiety | Depression | Panic Disorder | OCD | PTSD | Neurological disorders | Sleep | Pain Relief & Inflammation | Helps fight cancer | Relieves nausea | Promotes cardiovascular health | Lowers the risk of diabetes | Treat seizures | Reduces acne. But how does CBD actually work? According to mental health and medical cannabis expert Dr Julie Moltke , it’s all about balancing out different receptor systems in your brain to ease stress and anxiety. ‘It interacts with different receptor systems, but the two most important ones that can be attributed to the beneficial effects on mental health is the serotonin system and the endocannabinoid system,’ Dr Moltke explains. ‘CBD balances out these systems in the brain so that you will get a sense of feeling more calm, less stressed and it can help improve sleep by decreasing stress and anxiety. Some people also find that it helps with productivity and sometimes it can have – on a different level – an anti-inflammatory effect which can also be beneficial for general health and lifestyle. Unlike THC, the dominant marijuana compound that does cause a high, CBD does not contain the same psychoactive properties. Always seek the guidance of your doctor or other qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. In our Two Women Chatting podcast   archives you'll find episodes with Angie Best, Samantha & Lorraine from Hapi Hemp discussing the benefits of CBD. On Brooklands Radio recently Michelle chatted with Jo Devall, founder of EveryBudy CBD. Click here to listen. Use code TWC25 for 25% off your first purchase at www.everybudy.co.uk Please visit our health resources page which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Note: This post contains some affiliate links. This means that we may earn a small commission when you click on such links, at no additional cost to you. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaime r here.

Drink Spiking and Date Rape Drugs Spiking of drinks and date rape drugs is an alarming and growing concern. Drink spiking is when someone puts drugs or alcohol into your drink without you knowing. A date rape drug is any drug that incapacitates another person and renders that person vulnerable to sexual assault, including rape. It is an issue that everyone should be aware of to help those affected by it, avoid and stop it. Symptoms of being spiked The effects of drink spiking vary depending on what you’ve been spiked with but your symptoms could include: Lowered inhibitions Loss of balance Feeling sleepy Visual problems Confusion Nausea Vomiting Unconsciousness How to avoid it Drink spiking can happen in any situation, at home or on a night out. However, there are a few things you can do to protect yourself: Never leave your drink unattended, whether it’s alcoholic or not. Don’t accept a drink from someone you don’t know. Avoid drinking too much by sticking to the UK low-risk drinking guidelines. Stick together with friends, and look out for each other. What to do if a friend has been spiked Advice from drinkaware.co.uk: 'If you think a friend has had their drink spiked, and they are showing any of the symptoms described above there are a few things you can do to help' Tell a bar manager, bouncer, or member of staff. Stay with them and keep talking to them. Call an ambulance if their condition deteriorates. Don’t let them go home on their own. Don’t let them leave with someone you don’t know or trust. Don’t let them drink more alcohol - this could lead to more serious problems. Where to find support One of the effects of date rape drugs can be amnesia or loss of memory. That means it’s possible that you won’t be sure if you’ve been assaulted. But if you suspect you’ve been physically or sexually assaulted it’s important to tell someone. Try to confide in someone you trust like a friend or family member. You can go to the police or hospital accident & emergency department. If you don’t feel able to do that right away, there are Rape Crisis charity helplines you can call for support and advice: -England and Wales: 0808 802 9999 (12–2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day) -Scotland: 0808 801 0302 or text 07537 410 027 (6pm - midnight every day) -Northern Ireland: 08000 246 991 (Monday and Thursday, 6 – 8pm) If you, or someone you know, have been affected by crime, including sexual harassment or any sort of sexual harm, help and support is available. Victim Support is an independent charity for victims and witnesses of crime. They offer free, confidential help to anyone who’s been affected by sexual harassment. Call 0808 16 89 111 or go to Victim Support's website. Check out TWC's recent episode with Dawn Dines, CEO of Stamp Out Spiking. The website is full of resources, training and a place to report if you have been a victim of spiking. For Stop Topps anti spiking drinks toppers click here - there are also 'scrunchie' covers that you can keep in wrist bracelets. Spiking someone’s drink carries a maximum sentence of 10 years in the UK. One-third of women in the UK have been spiked or know a friend who has been. 7/10 18-24 year olds have experienced or know of someone who has been spiked but it is estimated that 97% of spiking incidents are never even reported because of embarrassment or shame. Did you find this article useful? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates? TWC has collated some useful third party resources related to this topic. Listen to the episode here.

Over the last few years there’s been a surge of interest and initiatives around the female peri- menopause and menopause, which is to be applauded. Celebrities including Meg Matthews (check our Midlife Mentors podcast for an interview with her) and Mariella Frostrup have penned guides and we’ve delivered several corporate workshops on menopause, so it’s great that this is finally getting coverage. Less well know is the andropause, (sometimes incorrectly referred to as the male menopause). Estimates vary, but somewhere between 25% to 40% of middle aged men will experience symptoms, with around 10% having acute symptoms. In fact if we look at the hormonal science of what’s happening inside the body it’s highly likely that most men will experience some of the symptoms at some point during their midlife. So what are those symptoms? They can be broadly categorised into physical, mental and emotional, and of course all these interplay and have a causation relationship. On the physical side symptoms can include a decline in energy, gradual loss of strength, loss of muscle mass, increase body fat, particularly in the abdominal area, erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. Mental and emotional symptoms can include brain fog, lack of concentration, lowered confidence, increased anxiety, increased stress and trouble sleeping. Put the physical, mental and emotional together and you have the perfect driver for more psychological symptoms: a perceived lack of self-worth, loss of self-identity, and over compensating behaviour. This is why performance across the board can start to suffer… in relationships, business, career, sports… So far so 'midlife crisis' you might say, but we shouldn’t dismiss these symptoms so casually. especially when they can have a devastating effect on the individual that can cascade into relationships and career. There are in fact a number of lifestyle adjustments we can make to work with these changes we’re experiencing. Science shows us it’s possible to work in harmony with our hormones (the main driver for many of these symptoms) and offset many of the negative effects. To understand what you can do you first need to understand what’s going on hormonally and how that’s impacting the individual. For men levels of their primary sex hormone testosterone peak in their twenties, then decline at between 1 to 2% a year. Now, that might not sound a lot, but the time a man hits his fifties, those testosterone levels could be up to 50% lower than back when he was in his twenties. Testosterone plays a key role in supporting muscle, metabolic support, strength, libido, cognitive processes and focus. As it declines, so these can too. Low levels of testosterone are also liked to increased anxiety, lowered confidence and increased body fat levels. If that wasn’t enough, at midlife we’re becoming more insulin resistant, meaning we’re less efficient at processing food for energy, meaning we’re more likely to lay excess calories down as fat Finally, throw some stress into the mix. We all know stress impacts our health, but did you know why it has such an impact on our hormonal health? The stress hormone cortisol is produces from the same “mother” hormone pregnenolone so if we are producing more cortisol, there is less pregnenolone available to produce testosterone, further impacting those midlife hormonal challenges. So far so bad, but what can we do about it? Well quite a lot is the good news! If you want to perform at your full potential at midlife there are a number of specific things to do , right, but here is what it comes down to in my experience: you've got to align your body and mind. They have to work together. What we see over and over are people thrashing their bodies but they’re ignoring their psychology, so their efforts only work in the short term and they certainly don’t reach their full potential. Here’s what you need to do, and remember, this isn’t about huge changes or big sacrifices, it’s about making adjustments that ultimately improve your quality of life. Firstly, you need to start exercising in the right way. Specifically start intruding short High Intensity Interval Training sessions of 15 to 20 minutes to your workouts. These are not only time and results effective but have been shown to help boost testosterone levels temporarily and bring down your metabolic age. You need to start resistance training. You can do it at home, but for men, lifting heavy with compound moves like the squat, bench press and row also temporarily boost testosterone levels, as well as building new muscle mass, so raising metabolic rate. You have to start cutting down on sugar, which is highly calorific and inflammatory, and start adding more lean protein (fish, poultry, lean red meat, pulses) to your diet, along with dietary fibre for gut health. You need to start eating more leafy vegetables and cut back on heavier processed carbs like bread, rices, cakes and pasta. On the mindset side, you MUST get a handle on your stress and lower those cortisol levels. Start to eliminate the stressors you can in your life (like watching too much news), learn to control your reaction to stressful events. Look at your limiting beliefs - we all have them. What beliefs about yourself could be holding you back? What new empowering beliefs would help you sustain a new healthier peak performance lifestyle? You cannot out perform your self-identity - sometimes we need to upgrade who we are to move to the next level. Neuroscience shows us this is possible. Our beliefs are not fixed - we can alter our neural pathways and literally step into a new way of being. Learn to be present, cultivate and attitude of gratitude each day, and ground yourself with focus at the start of each day. Finally, supplementation may help. Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) is an option, but there are pros and cons and it’s for the long term (your own testosterone production will shut down), so it’s better to look at the lifestyle adjustments you can make first and keep TRT as a final resort. So, make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D in particular, and supplement with vitamin D3 if you’re not. Other nutrients that support sex hormone pathways include vitamin C, zinc and magnesium. You can take a herbal adaptogen called ashwaghanda to reduce cortisol (and so help sex hormone balance), and vitamin B12 will also help as well as helping with energy levels. Put all these elements together and you can stride forward through andriopause (and beyond) with renewed strength, energy, power, confidence and joy for life. If you’d like to get a personalised report on where your midlife blocks might be, and get actionable tips on improvements you can make, then take our world’s first Midlife Reset Audit. This short questionnaire will give you a midlife diagnostic and it’s completely free: https://themidlifementors.com/audit This article was written by James Davies, podcast host of the Midlife Mentors and CEO of 38 Degrees North. Listen to the TWC podcast chatting about andropause featuring husband and wife team, James and Claire here. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

by Michelle Ford When adult ‘kids’ leave the nest, it’s often a time to take a look at the space you live in and consider some reorganisation.  You might even think about downsizing or, at some point, moving to independent living within an older community. If you’re not doing it for yourself, you might well be handling the transition of older parents to residential care or dealing with their belongings when they pass. Whatever the reason, decluttering can seem overwhelming at first but, there are lots of things you can do to make it easier and you may find it’s incredibly good for your mental wealth - and wallet too! Dilly Carter, professional organiser and one quarter of the BBC ‘Sort Your Life Out’ team with Stacey Solomon, was my guest on Two Women Chatting recently and she had an important tip when dealing with parents, “The most important thing about dealing with our parents is actually having those hard conversations, having them now rather than when it's too late. Unfortunately, at some point there will be a date when we have to go through your house. Tell me what means something to you. Tell me where you would like this furniture to go. Would you rather I sell this furniture or would you rather I donate it? So always make it sound like you're doing something in a positive way that's going to bring them joy. Rather than it being, right, mum, we need to sort out this stuff, right, let's go through this stuff on Sunday because we need to get rid of it.” Tips for Decluttering Empty Nest Spaces 1. Start Small, Focus on One Area at a Time Begin decluttering by focusing on one area or room at a time. Tackling small sections can make the process less overwhelming and more manageable. Start with spaces that are less emotionally charged, such as storage rooms or closets, before moving on to more sentimental areas. 2. Sort Items into Keep, Donate, and Discard Piles As you go through your belongings, categorize items into three distinct piles: keep, donate/sell, and discard. Consider whether you have used or valued an item within the past year. If not, it may be time to let it go and create space for things that truly matter to you. 3. Embrace the KonMari Method or 4-Box Technique Consider employing popular decluttering methods such as the KonMari Method (organizing by category) or the 4-Box Technique (labeling boxes as trash, donate, keep, relocate) to streamline your decision-making process and effectively declutter your home. 4. Digitize Sentimental Items To preserve cherished memories without cluttering your space, consider digitizing sentimental items such as photos, letters, artwork, and keepsakes. Digital copies can help you reduce physical clutter while still allowing you to cherish special moments and mementos. 5. Repurpose Unused Spaces With your children out of the house, you have the opportunity to repurpose their rooms or play areas into functional spaces that better suit your current needs and interests. Transform these rooms into home offices, hobby rooms, guest quarters, or relaxation spaces tailored to your lifestyle. 6. Minimalism and Multifunctional Furniture Adopting a minimalist approach to decorating can help create a more serene and spacious environment. Invest in multifunctional furniture pieces that serve dual purposes, such as storage ottomans, convertible sofas, or wall-mounted desks, to optimize space and enhance versatility. 7. Establish a Regular Decluttering Routine Maintain a clutter-free home by establishing a regular decluttering routine. Set aside time each month to reassess your possessions, reorganize spaces, and let go of items that no longer align with your current lifestyle or bring you joy. 8. Seek Professional Assistance If you find decluttering overwhelming or emotionally challenging, consider enlisting the help of a professional organizer or decluttering service. These experts can provide guidance, support, and tailored solutions to streamline the decluttering process and achieve your organizational goals. By embracing these decluttering tips and strategies, you can reclaim your empty nest spaces, create a harmonious environment that reflects your individuality, and embark on a new chapter of life with clarity, purpose, and rejuvenated surroundings. If you need help, there are plenty of professionals available.  I booked Victoria Fearnley of Surrey Decluttering for half a day several weeks before Christmas, knowing that I would need extra space for guests in December.  She advises that “the key is to actually start and keep doing it - little and often!” Victoria kept me to task, organised me brilliantly, whisked off all the charity items for donation, took a bunch of dresses to In Style Ascot consignment store and gadgets to sell on Ebay. I felt practically light-headed with the results!  Even better, everything she sold for me more than covered her fee for the day. Win-win! Talking of selling… there are excellent sites where you can sell those Beanie Babies from the 80s or the LPs that have been taking up space in the attic.  Offload the prom dresses to a consignment store like In Style Ascot or pop them up on Vinted.com.  Ebay is still great for collectibles, furniture and miscellaneous items whilst if you think you have something of value you can get an estimate from Vintage Cash Cow.  I have a few pictures, old watches and vases that I plan to send to them. Hold a garage sale, maybe get your street or community involved to attract more buyers. If you’re downsizing for parents, ask them what they would like to do with items.  As Dilly said, have that conversation before it’s too late. Where would they like them to go.  It’s important to remember that all this ‘jumble’ has meaning to them. Remember one person’s junk is another person’s treasure! Two Women Chatting podcast featuring Dilly Carter on Decluttering is out 7 May on all podcast platforms.

There aren’t many things we can do to truly slow down the ageing process but taking control of our bone health might just be one. Sadly, most of us will hit our top bone strength by age 25-30 and from 40 onwards the only predetermined way for our bone strength is down but so what? What can we do if anything to strengthen our bones? Why should we bother? In simple terms, as our bones age, they weaken making them more likely to break. Like many things this is even more pertinent in women as falling oestrogen in menopause speeds up bone loss. Once your bone thickness reaches a certain low point or below we class this as Osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is a relatively ‘silent disease’; one minute you are out and about busy with life, the next you’re in a fracture clinic and being told you likely have it. Common breaks include the wrist, hip and back bones causing no end of inconvenience, immobility and pain. The old people you see stooped over and shuffling along? They most likely have crumbling spinal bones (vertebrae) that are struggling to hold their own body weight and posture. I’m not sure any of us would willingly and knowingly walk into that…. The good news is it’s never too late to support your bone health and review your risk factors for osteoporosis. There are several lifestyle factors that increase your risk of faster thinning bones and whilst lifestyle factors can be tough to get a handle on they are usually the things we can exert control over most. Drinking excess alcohol (more than 14 units/week) smoking being significantly underweight not taking regular exercise and a diet low in calcium and vitamin D will all contribute to bone loss over time. For those of you considering the pros and cons of HRT in perimenopause it is worth adding this pro to the mix especially those of you going through it early doors; oestrogen plays a vital role in maintaining our bone structure and several studies show HRT as protective against rapid bone loss and osteoporotic fractures (i.e. broken bones). There are also factors that are less easy to control such as needing to take long term oral steroids or other bone weakening medications, having a chronic health condition that causes ongoing inflammation or malabsorption such as coeliac disease or having a family history of osteoporosis (particularly those that led on to a hip fracture in a parent). Whatever your risk factors, lifestyle or bone status the advice is clear; reduce smoking and alcohol, eat a balanced diet rich in calcium and vitamin D (consider supplementing the latter, especially through the dark autumn winter months) and manage any long term health conditions the best you can. It is definitely worth increasing your weight bearing exercise as bones adapt to weight going through them by building more bone cells. For those of you who find yourselves already in the grips of an osteoporosis diagnosis don’t despair, the above things and some medical treatments can still help stabilise bone loss and a fracture is not inevitable. This article was written by Dr Helen Wall an accomplished medical professional with a rich background in healthcare and public health. As well as being a senior GP partner she has had many varied roles across the health system over the years as well as training medical students and GPs. She has additional qualifications In women’s health and an honorary doctorate in public health.   Her passion for advocating for patients and utilising effective communication skills is evident not only in her medical practice but also as a freelance Media GP, where she serves as the resident GP for BBC Breakfast and contributes a weekly GP column to Woman magazine.  Her multifaceted career and commitment to both her profession and the well-being of her patients exemplify Dr. Helen Wall as a compassionate and influential figure in the field of medicine and public health. This article was written and first published in Woman Magazine. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

We were joined recently by Kate Moyle, renowned expert and trusted resource in the field of psychosexual therapy, who has written extensively on the topic of sex in midlife. Her work focuses on providing guidance and support to individuals experiencing changes in their sexual lives during this stage of life.  She's also the host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. With plenty of giggles and in true ‘girly’, blush-worthy style we asked her questions received anonymously from friends.  She had some excellent responses and advice to help navigate this new chapter of our lives, when rekindling intimacy, finding connection and making the best of our new empty nest ‘freedoms’ which can be an exciting adventure - or, you might decide it’s time to take action, make your desires clearer (maybe for the first time in your life - gotta love those fifty year old zero-filters!) and rediscover romance. Here’s the transcript from our chat - you can also watch it on YouTube here or enjoy the full podcast episode here. Liz: What is the definition of sex? Kate: Well, really the definition that most of us kind of work on is sex is intercourse or penis and vagina penetration. And one of the biggest problems that we have with this is that obviously that is a part of sex, but it's not the sex that a lot of people are having. It's not the sex that is applicable to all couples or all people or all individuals based on genders, based on sexuality, based on physical abilities, bodies, there's so much going on based on preference. And so what we tend to now try and think about is the circular model of sex, which is that it's a sexual experience, which we can do for a number of reasons. And again, that it's not just something that is for procreation. And so much of sex has become focused and particular sex education has been focused around reproduction. But we know that the reasons that most people are having sex isn’t to conceive a lot of the time and one of my favourite pieces of research identified 237 reasons for why people said they were having sex and you know the meaning of sex is such a big part of that and a lot of the time is the reason why people are having it. Michelle: So, okay, in midlife, we may have been with our partners for quite some time. We may be into decades of marriage, perhaps. And as you mentioned, early days, you're kind of looking at the reproductive side of it, the fun side of it. How do we reintroduce more fun when perhaps it's got a bit dull and boring? How do we even open up those communications when you've just been in this routine, perhaps for a long, long time, without it becoming...how can I say, maybe confrontational or critical even? Kate: Mm, yeah, I think it's a huge question. And it's one of the things that is really important to say here is that people can have been having sex for 20 years and never talked about it. And often one of the things that happens is people don't really talk about sex until they have a problem. And if they haven't started their sex life or their relationship by being one of those couples that talk about it, it feels like it's something very hard to start and almost arguably harder, the longer you've been together, the longer you haven't talked about it. Often people kind of work around it without ever having to confront it. And I think that a really good way of starting the conversation is around. What's changed, and we know that midlife is a time that changes things for lots of people, and it's not necessarily that people have been in relationships for a really long time. We know that there's a huge, huge group of people who are starting new relationships at this point in their life, and that actually can come with a kind of separate group of anxieties or a very different group of anxieties. The familiarity, the routine bit is something that happens a lot of the time. We call it habituation for us as humans, but particularly a lot of the time in relationships and that becomes paired with the, we don't know how to talk about changing it factor. And in terms of starting a conversation, even if it's something we've never talked about, I often say to people kind of say, I listened to a podcast today (like Two Women Chatting!) or read a book today or I read an article today or I try and kind of L-shape the conversation so it feels like it's come from another source and that can be a good way of starting it because often I think when we feel that we have to start it, the pressure means that we'd rather just avoid it at all costs. Liz: But when you're on holiday, or you're in a hotel room or something, you know, your inhibitions seem to disappear. Why can't you bring that back home? What is it that's stopping it? Kate: Because context is so key to sex. Sex is always in context. And the reality is most of us in our homes, there's always something else to do. Sex very easily becomes deprioritized. And we talk about sex, not like a kind of drive, like the drive that we have for everything else, you know, to sleep, eat, breathe, but a kind of secondary drive that very easily gets deprioritized. And we particularly know that desire changes across the lifetime, is really context-based, that it changes whatever we have going on, whether that's our physical environment, whether that's how we're feeling, whether it's our mental health, our medication, physical symptoms that we're experiencing. And on holiday, we are typically kind of escaping routines, we're typically escaping our to-do list, we might switch off. Something I talk about a lot is this idea of switching off to turn on, and it's much easier to do it in a context which is separate from everything else that we have usually, but also it gives us a chance to see ourselves and our partners in a new light and that can be a great thing for desire. Michelle: And I think what you almost touched on there, Liz, was also, you know, if our kids have left and we now have an empty nest, that can be kind of liberating, can't it? Because you don't have people coming, you know, into the room potentially. You don't have like, can they hear us? You know, do we have to be really, really quiet? Do we have to be, you know, just only do it in the bedroom? All that sort of thing. Kate : Yeah, and I think, again, that's a distraction. People in the house, and particularly when children are either really small or really young, really small and really young, or kind of older and near adults, we know that kind of rules of coming in and coming out change. Whereas when children are kind of that slightly like middle-aged, they might just like potter around, go downstairs. Whereas teenagers, and particularly kind of closer to younger adults kind of coming in and out more as they wish and kind of roam around the house and young children have no concept of kind of private spaces, you know, very young children. So we can fear that anxiety sometimes about being overheard or being interrupted. And that in itself becomes a distraction. And when we are distracted, we're not really physically in our bodies and in our pleasure. And that in itself can inhibit both our kind of psychological motivation, wanting of sex, so the desire bit, but also our physical pleasure. Michelle: I think especially with women, would you agree that I think we're sort of on high alert all the time listening for, oh, do the kids need us? Is that the doorbell or whatever it is? I think women find it really hard to completely switch off from the multiple responsibilities that they have. But hopefully that becomes a little bit easier if you know there's nobody in the house or whatever that could be for you. Kate: I think absolutely when we are preoccupied, and this is something that we hear a lot from mothers and a lot from people kind of in that stage where we're also not focusing on ourselves, we're so prioritizing everyone else's needs and what can happen is sex can feel like another thing which is about someone else's needs at points and that distraction that can come about from all of those things and knowing that kind of to-do list is never done and that list of things is never fulfilled is really, is really interrupting when it comes to desire. And I think that that's when we talk about that ability from switching off to turn on. And we've seen that mindfulness studies have proven to be really good for sex lives. And actually where studies have been done by people like Dr. Laurie Brotto, who is based in Canada. She has done it with people who have gone through cancer. And what she's found is not only do the mindfulness exercises help with the psychological side of feeling increased desire, but also that there was a physical impact. So the body is actually creating more arousal in response to those kinds of techniques as well. So Dr. Laurie Brotto, she's been a guest on my podcast, which is the Sexual Wellness Sessions. She has a brilliant book and there will be numerous kind of podcasts with her around and videos. But really simply mindfulness is directing your attention in a particular direction without judgment. So it's kind of basically directing your attention back into the body is what we talk about when it comes to sex, because so many of us, we’ll be having sex and suddenly like a thought will pop into our heads and we'll be thinking about that and then that will take us off somewhere else and then we kind of almost forget that we're in the moment of having sex and like you were saying earlier, that sense of kind of being feeling like we're permanently distracted. And so it's about directing attention back towards the sensations that are happening in the body and a really good exercise to do if you're trying to practice that is running through the five senses at any point. So whether that's in the shower or kind of going about your daily day and because it is a practice, it's about kind of learning how to do that. Liz: A friend of mine used to put it in the diary. Is that healthy or is that sensible? At least it's logged that she's got to have sex with her husband. Or is that negative towards the marriage? Kate: I don't think it's necessarily a negative. Well, what we recommend as psychosexual therapists is that we don't schedule sex, but we say do schedule time to be together. Do put things in the, do mark that time. And there's an intentionality which is really good for relationships, which is this is important for us to spend time together and to be together. And we're gonna prioritize that above anything else. So, and you know, I always liken it to the fact that we book our meetings at work, we call our friends, we schedule to catch up with our families, to put in our doctor's appointments, our gym classes, we do it with everything else. But we have this very romantic view of sex and relationships, which is that they just happen, and actually scheduling means that you're making sure that it happens, and that prioritising and that intentionality is a really important part of relationships, and actually is one of the things that we see is a really important factor for people who report maintaining and having good sex lives is that they make it, they make sure it's a part of their lives and it's not about the act of having sex in that moment, but it is about kind of connecting in that physical way. Kate: The thing is we use the term sex and intimacy synonymously, and actually they're two different things. And obviously there can be a relationship between the two and they can contribute to each other. But you can have an intimate relationship without sex and you can have a sexual relationship without intimacy. But what the Gottmans, who are some of the biggest sex and relationship researchers in the world...describe as exercises like a six second kiss and a 10 second hug. And what they call the six second kiss is a kiss with potential. And I love that phrase because so often, you know, we all do it, we're all kind of busy and hectic and modern life is full on and we never switch off because our technology never switches off. So we're always contactable. But as we have those kind of, you know, peck on the cheek, run out the door moments. And what those potential moments allow, when we lean into them, A is a potential for responsive desire to be triggered, which might mean that we start to lean into feeling sensual and then sexual. And what we talk about responsive desire is, is the type of desire that happens once we have, we start something and then the desire to kind of continue emerges. So rather than we feel really turned on in the kind of flash of lightning feeling, and then we do something about it. So we can start that. And that's where the scheduling kind of time together, we talked about a minute ago, also kind of comes into effect. But it's those little moments of connection, often what I describe as bridges, are really important in relationships because even if we're not having sex, what they can do is allow us to feel connected or there is a level of sexual connection there. And we often describe those as sexual currency. So it's about kind of keeping currency rolling or higher within a couple so that we feel that those moments are still there or that kind of type of connection is still there, is still present. Liz: Is it good for a relationship to have, you know, a couple sleeping in separate bedrooms as they get older? Kate: I think it's dependent on the couple. I mean, lots of couples do, and it depends on, then I think their routines of coming back together if they want to be intimate and to have sex. For some couples, it means that they can sleep better, you know, particularly, we see that certain times it might happen, so if people are having cancer treatments and they're not feeling like they want to be close to their partner or they're having to, you know, go to the bathroom loads of times a night or they're having hormonal reactions, you know, lots of women who are menopausal, for example, or peri-menopausal say, they get so hot, they have such disturbed sleep, they're having night sweats that they just actually don't wanna be touched by anyone. If we have people going through induced menopause where it's very sudden, they can have those reactions really strongly and really intensely. And it can feel easier sometimes to manage those things on your own. But really it's about how that works for that particular couple. And also what it can do is people can do it without then having those bridging moments or those connection moments in another way. And I think if you're doing it, but you want to maintain a kind of sensual sexual relationship, it's about working out how you do that. It might be that, you know, actually that you, if you can, and if your schedules allow it, then kind of come back together in the morning and start your mornings by being together, rather than kind of closing together at night. Michelle: So shifting the time, it doesn't have to be at night, does it? It can be during the morning, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon. And I think you meant you just touched upon the menopause. Gosh, that comes with so many hangups, confidence things. You know, sometimes your sleep is disturbed so you're not feeling frisky. You're just exhausted all the time. I had a question from somebody that says, that was when you've put on weight, as so often is the case in midlife, and you're not feeling body confident, you're worried about your body image, and it becomes very much a under the covers, never see me naked, don't even shower in front of your partner anymore because you just don't feel confident. Is that something that, how can you work on that? Because I do really think that if you have more inner confidence and you're more confident in your body, you're more likely to be a bit more adventurous perhaps and a bit more, just carry yourself in a different way. Would you have any advice on how to try and claw back on that? And then as a supplementary question, there's the more painful aspects of sex in menopause, the vaginal dryness and so on. First of all, the body confidence. I think that's a big one for lots of women. Kate: Hmm. I think the body confidence thing is across the lifetime. And, you know, we see it particularly with people who are postnatal or, you know, also things people going through things like infertility or miscarriages who were struggling with a relationship with their body again, through cancer, you know, whether it's diagnosis, treatment, um, through menopause and body confidence really is about not how we look, but how we feel. And a lot of people's anxieties come from how they feel they've changed. I think a lot of the time conversations with our partners can be really helpful, but doing things that make you feel good in your body. So whether it's wearing something like a texture of a material that feels really nice on your skin, it might sound really small, but it might be something that just makes you feel a bit better. And again, it can help you to kind of root in your sensations and we want you to be feeling good and feeling pleasure. The body confidence bit. Again, what it does is it takes us into our thoughts and keeps us preoccupied by what's going on in our head rather than what's going on in our body. And really the kind of simple answer, which is not wildly helpful, is do what helps you to kind of feel good in yourself. And once we know that people feel more comfortable then they feel more confident. But we also live in a society where women get a lot of messages about how they look, how they appear, what their bodies should be like all the time. And so there is a much, you know, a much bigger, wider conversation going on here. And then in terms of kind of the vaginal atrophy that we can experience in menopause. So menopause has 34 common symptoms, very few of which make us feel good or make us feel sexy from, you know, kind of, kind of cloudy brain, muddled brain to night sweats, to vaginal dryness, to hot flashes to feeling kind of really up and down in our feelings, to not feeling listened to, to changes in identity. So we talk about these things from what we call a biopsychosocial approach. So the biological, the social elements and the psychological elements. And, you know, often women are saying, I just don't feel like myself. And that's not something that makes me feel good. Or I felt kind of top of my game and top of my career. And I'm struggling to remember like where I put my keys. And that stuff can have such a negative impact on how we feel about ourselves. And the vaginal dryness is to do with the drop in oestrogen where the tissue of the vagina becomes less lubricated, less elastic. A great water-based lubricant is a really, really good thing here, as well as vaginal moisturisers. And I recommend, yes, organics all the time. They're brilliant, all natural, all organic. But having sex when it hurts you and it's causing you pain is going to only be a negative thing. It's not going to make you want to do it again. It's going to have an impact on your desire, but also it's negatively reinforcing. And there are lots of simple solutions, but so many of us feel shame or embarrassment about having to use those solutions. And that in itself is one of the biggest barriers. Michelle: So talking to your GP as well about these things, I think it's really important because there are things that you can take like the vagifem and the pessaries that are oestrogen based and the lubricants as you mentioned. You know, we're not in our 20s anymore and I think we have to consider sex in a different way that makes it more pleasant, pleasurable. And the pleasure index, I think, is very important, isn't it? To do it because you want to do it and because it's fun. And do we focus perhaps too much? I would say that most women, as they get older, no, I don't know, I don't know my stats, to be honest. But from the general conversations that I've had with people, it is harder and takes longer to orgasm. Do we focus too much on that being, that's what we're going for, and if we don't get that, then that was kind of rubbish. Kate: We do have a really goal-orientated model when it comes to sex. It is, as you're describing, a lot of women say that they are struggling. And, you know, men as well, but a lot of people are saying they're struggling to reach that point of orgasm in the way that they used to. Part of it is, you know, the physical and the changes that we're going through. Part of it is also the more we worry about it not happening or the longer we worry about it, the more we worry about that it's taking longer, the more distracted we are and the more that's interrupting our pleasure. Kate: Our sex lives go in all these different phases and stages. And again, how we're taught about sex is that it's a static thing that never changes. We're never kind of taught about it as, you know, there's gonna be changes, there are gonna be things that happen to you, that this is something that might be more fluid, and that, you know, adapting our sex lives throughout these different stages is a really important thing to acknowledge that we might have to do or that might make it work better for us. And I think making it work for us in whatever way it works is a big part of that. Liz: I guess that sort of brings in Viagra, which I always thought it was for men, but I've heard there is Viagra for women as well, is that correct? Kate: it's not licensed, it's a different product. And there's nothing like that kind of in the UK at the moment, but Viagra has just had its 30 year, it's 30 years this year. That's why there's lots of documentaries and stuff going on around it at the moment. But also the way that it works is it's not an aphrodisiac. What it does is it inhibits the reaction. So it basically stops erections kind of draining or going away as quickly. But I think that often people take it and they think that it's an aphrodisiac and it's gonna make them feel really turned on. Now, obviously there can be psychological effects, which there can be a relief with taking something like that or a feel, you know, a feeling of, okay, I've got some assistance or I can relax more or I can feel more confident. And those things of course can have an impact, but really it's about changing blood flow. Michelle: How would, I'm trying to think, if you feel that your partner has got an erectile dysfunction, how can you gently go about suggesting that perhaps he looks into Viagra or something similar without being offensive? Kate: That again a conversation around it we know that the statistics for men struggling with erections increases with age and we know that that's for decrease in muscle tone but also decreases in testosterone and so that it's not something that's unexpected and we see those statistics increasing in line with age it's really normal to go and discuss that with your doctor if you're loss of morning erections. So morning erections basically are nocturnal erections which happen throughout the night and typically when you're in the period of REM sleep just before you wake up is when you'll be having an erection. So which is why lots of people wake up with morning erections. Again, exactly. But again, there's decline, there's decline naturally with aging but if they change suddenly it's absolutely something to seek medical advice on because it can be an indicator of something else going on in the body, for example, things like cardiovascular disease because of changes to blood flow. And really, if it's interrupting your sex life, that your partner is struggling or that you're noticing that they're struggling, being able to talk about it and then seek some advice about it is a really, really good thing. And there's nothing to be ashamed of. I think the shame of feeling like we're the only ones that have a problem is... one of the biggest barriers to people seeking help and advice, which could really change things for them in a really positive way. Michelle: Well, there's a lot of health benefits, isn't there, to having a sex life at any adult age? But in midlife, I'm thinking more like strengthening your pelvic floor. And does it help with incontinence too, if you can do more exercise down there? Kate: Well, strengthening the pelvic floor, having a toned pelvic floor is great for everything pelvic related. There's a brilliant book by a friend of mine called Strong Foundations. She's a pelvic floor therapist called Claire Bourne and she talks about pelvic health across the lifetime. But we know that a more toned pelvic floor helps with incontinence, helps improve orgasm because part of orgasm is a wave of muscular contractions. And so a more toned pelvic floor can mean that you can feel those contractions more, that they can be stronger. But also it's important to say an over tight pelvic floor can make sex uncomfortable. And so, because the vagina basically runs through the pelvic floor and so if you're really tense, then it can make penetrative sex painful or sore. And, but definitely like a pelvic floor has range of benefits, but making sure that we're, if we're doing those exercises, that we're doing them properly, the relaxing is as important as the tensing. Liz: Do you know, I was always told to do these pelvic floor exercises when I was pregnant. Of course I didn't. And I'm just wondering, you know, that's the little children that say, is it too late? Because I'm sure there's lots of women out there who are the same as me. It's never too late. Kate: No, it's never too late. And I think one of the things that is you've just hit the nail on the head is we only tend to hear about them for the first time when we're pregnant. And then you have it drilled into you because obviously the pelvic floor is under such huge amounts of pressure during pregnancy and then childbirth. Um, but then we kind of forget to mention that it's important all of the time. And we know that incontinence statistics and women, particularly kind of midlife onwards, a huge. Michelle: I have one almost final question because quite honestly I could sit here and talk to you all day. But how about a helping hand sex toys? Here you go. I don't even know how to ask it. But would you recommend it? Is it? I mean, I think a lot of people take different times to get to where they want to be particularly in midlife, I think with distractions and it's maybe a little harder to get to orgasm. Would you recommend using something like a sex toy or a vibrator to spice things up, help you get there? And how do you kind of get over the embarrassment of, so should we try this then? It's a bravery move in some ways, but it's also kind of selfish and necessarily so. Liz: It can be funny. You know, you make it funny, make the entertainment value out of it. But you know, it's entertainment, you can make it funny and then it can work. Kate: Yeah, I mean, I think sex toys are a great addition at any stage. I work with a sex toy brand called LELO, but, and what I love about them is that they do have a whole range of products and they don't look, I think sometimes when we think about sex toys, we think they have to look really phallic or really realistic or really body-like and actually sex toys nowadays. I mean, there is the most enormous range and they can be completely beautiful and fit for purpose, some that fit in the palm of your hand, some that are designed for men to wear, some that are designed for couples, individuals. What they are great at is increasing intensity of sensation. So if you are struggling to reach an orgasm or it feel like it's taking longer or you feel that you need more, then they can be great for that. They are great for both kind of solo or couples, I think introducing them with a partner. If you don't know where to start. It's kind of having that conversation, which is shall we try something together? How would you feel about trying something new? Remembering you're always a step ahead of them if you're the one introducing the conversation. So if they need a bit of time to catch up with you, kind of give them that chance. But I often say to people, look at a website together and choose one together so that you're then at least in the same boat, or you can both say that looks terrifying. No, never will I ever try that. But that one I'm kind of okay with. And I think there's something in that, There are some great ones that are, you know, literally like little vibrators that kind of sit in the palm of your hand or some that are kind of more like wand shaped and or kind of bullet shaped. And I often say to people incorporate them into non genital play or like massage. So kind of rub them all over each other's bodies or try them on your own first, see how you feel and just work out what feels good. If the goal is what Emily Nagoski, who's a kind of icon in my world, describes as pleasure is the measure, then doing something together which feels good for you both can be a great thing. Michelle: I think that's a great place to end on as they say. A happy ending. Sorry! Okay you are obviously just full of great tips and advice. If people want to know more where do they find your website and your contact details? Website: www.katemoyle.co.uk Book: The Science of Sex Podcast: The Sexual Wellness Sessions We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

by Dr Helen Wall It’s all very acceptable having your heart skip a beat when you’re in a rom com movie, but in real life the sensation of your heart beating hard and fast or dipping in and out of beats can be truly frightening. In medical terms the sensation of a noticeable heartbeat doing any of the above is referred to as palpitations.  Some of you may be reading this having had palpitations and wondering should you be worried. What if anything will your GP likely do? Palpitations come up commonly in my GP consultations and mostly in women. The majority of women with palpitations are not found to have any underlying illness but there are key steps that we need to take to determine this. Firstly, there are many lifestyle factors that can trigger runs of palpitations and we should always start by asking about these. Stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, dehydration, caffeine, alcohol and some medications can all be common triggers. Palpitations should not be brought on suddenly by exercise, painful or prolonged and should not cause you to faint, be short of breath, go dizzy or collapse. These are ‘alarm symptoms’ that would make me more worried as your GP. If you are experiencing palpitations with any of these features please seek more urgent medical attention. Most of the time no cause is found but there are some heart related (e.g. atrial fibrillation, a heart murmur) and non-heart related (e.g. overactive thyroid, salt imbalance) conditions that can present with palpitations. Expect the GP to examine you and request some blood tests and an ECG (recording of the heart’s rhythm) to rule these conditions out or to find them and manage them accordingly. If your symptoms are persistent or particularly bothersome we might refer you to a heart specialist (cardiologist) for further tests. Of course you can have palpitations all month except the very day you go to see your GP or specialist. Don’t worry, the specialist will likely arrange for you to go home with a device on to try and capture what your heart is doing during your palpitations. In most cases there will be nothing to worry about. For those of you who’ve had palpitations, even if there’s ‘nothing to worry about’ they can remain terrifically bothersome and I’ve seen women driven to distraction by recurring palpitations in their perimenopause stage of life due to changing hormone levels. Some resources suggest up to half of menopausal women will experience palpitations at some point and HRT may or may not help with these. We seem to be chalking a lot up to the menopause these days and whilst I’m all for outing the plethora of symptoms that occur in menopause it’s also important to not rely on this as the cause unless other causes have been firmly ruled out. Once you have the all clear, look to reduce the frequency and severity of your palpitations by looking at the known triggers mentioned above. Sometimes I do wonder if life would be easier in the movies! Top Tip: try splashing cold water on your face or hold your nose and breathe out against it to stimulate the vagus nerve that manages your heart rate and may calm palpitations then breathe deeply to relax. This article was written by Dr Helen Wall an accomplished medical professional with a rich background in healthcare and public health. As well as being a senior GP partner she has had many varied roles across the health system over the years as well as training medical students and GPs. She has additional qualifications In women’s health and an honorary doctorate in public health.   Her passion for advocating for patients and utilising effective communication skills is evident not only in her medical practice but also as a freelance Media GP, where she serves as the resident GP for BBC Breakfast and contributes a weekly GP column to Woman magazine.  Her multifaceted career and commitment to both her profession and the well-being of her patients exemplify Dr. Helen Wall as a compassionate and influential figure in the field of medicine and public health. We only share links to products we would use ourselves and all opinions are our own. You can read the full disclaimer here. Did you enjoy this article? Why not join the Two Women Chatting mailing list for regular updates. Please visit our Midlife Library which has a collection of useful links from 3rd party websites and content.

by Tanith Carey As a woman hitting mid-life  these days, it’s impossible not to be inundated by information about hot flushes, dry skin, lowered libido, and many of the other physical symptoms that can come with menopause. But for all this chatter, there's a good chance you've still not heard about the one more menopause symptoms that could be colouring your whole experience of life. It’s feeling BLAH - or emotionally flatlined - and finding it hard to enjoy the activities you used to love. Yet  without realising it, too many of us accept Anhedonia – the scientific name for this   -  as an inevitable consequence of being a midlife woman in a stressful modern world. But as the author of the first book to look at the reasons  behind this: “Feeling Blah?’ I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to accept this as your status quo. So what are some of the possible reasons? One big contributor is the shifting hormones in perimenopause and menopause. Here's why. Far from just ruling the ovaries, many areas of the brain are packed with oestrogen receptors. They include the regions in the reward circuit, like the amygdala and the hippocampus. As women stop ovulating – and producing oestrogen – studies show this has a knock-on effect on the feel-good chemicals, dopamine, and serotonin. Oestrogen has also been found to stimulate the  dopamine receptors in your brain too. So, falling levels mean that less dopamine is released into our brain’s reward system, where your good feelings are actually made. There’s one other way falling oestrogen affects your mood. The female sex hormone also buffers the effects of the stress hormone, cortisol. When it starts falling away, cortisol starts to get the upper hand. So this will explain why you start feeling more anxious and panicky about small things that never bothered them before. And oestrogen isn’t the only chemical involved. Other hormones and neurotransmitters also stop working in harmony in perimenopause and menopause. Levels of progesterone, a hormone which naturally calms you, also drops off. Meanwhile, just to add to the miex, our levels of the male hormone, testosterone, which gives us sense of confidence, and GABA, a moderating neurotransmitter, also fall away Because of this perfect storm – some might say whirlwind – it’s hardly surprising that the majority of women say they feel more bothered by small things that didn’t affect them before. One common thing I hear is that women who were confident drivers ( and I include myself here)  now find themselves getting nervous about driving on motorways, or waking up worrying about their to-do lists that they previously took in their stride. The loss of this cushioning effect during menopause can spell a shift from a “I can handle this” mentality to “This all feels a bit much”. On top of that there’s the fact that many of us are overwhelmed simply by the amount we have to do these days. Seventy-five per cent in the UK now also work as well as try to raise their families. There are more working mothers in the workplace than at any time in the UK – with 75 percent also having a job, as well as being a parent, according to recent government statistics. The fact that we are gaining more equality in the workplace is good news, except for one thing. Even in 2024, in heterosexual relationships, mothers still do the lion’s share of the housework and organisation around kids, according to a wide range of studies. As children get older and into the teen years, the demands don’t go away. If anything, the problems scale up with the size of the children, especially as more young people are struggling with mental health issues. As the most common age to have a baby in the UK is the early 30s, the timing means many women are going through the start of the hormonal upheavals of perimenopause quite soon into their parenting. When their children are hitting puberty, we are more likely to be hitting menopause proper – and parenting teens is harder than ever. Nothing like a teen telling you what an ‘annoying old bat'- or worse - when you’re not exactly feeling your confident best, is there? So, while this seems to massively stack the odds against women in the mid-life years here’s the good news. There are plenty of ways to address Blah – because we’ve never known more about how good feelings are made in the brain than we do now – thanks to fMRI scanners that can see emotions being formed. Of course, modern life will always have its challenges and stresses. But when we understand how we can make these good feelings, then we can push back and start to love it again. So far I have named a few of the factors that can add  up to feeling blah in menopause. But everyone has their own cocktail of reasons.  Diet, illness,  Long Covid, burn-out, childhood trauma - can also play their part. When you find out what your reasons are, you can start to address them. Indeed the first step is knowing that 'Anhedonia' is a 'thing' that can be addressed.  That awareness alone can put you on the right path back to loving your life. What I learned from my own journey out of Anhedonia is that no woman should ever feel so ground down by life that joy feels like the ultimate luxury. Everyone will have their reasons. When you discover yours, you can start living life to the full again and putting together your toolbox to address them.